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I'm known for being terrible at replying to things on my phone and I'm incredibly grateful that the people in my life accept this and do not hold this against me, nor is offence taken by them.
Unfortunately my responding to things has been getting worse, to the point of having friends asking for me to respond with anything as they get worried. I don't want to worry anyone and I hold so much guilt from my lack of response to people I love. I know the guilt then prolongs not replying. I want to reply. I don't want to push everyone away and though so many people do their best at understanding me, I know I am damaging relationships.
Now I'm terribly upset to see my dad thinking I'm ignoring him and thinking he's done something wrong, that he's upset me and I'm being silent to him as a purposeful way to maybe punish him. Things have been busy especially the last few days when he messaged me to organise something and then messaged me to say he has organised it. He then called yesterday which was a big day and I wasn't feeling great on top of lots of things to do. He called this morning and he sent a message about wanting to talk, him being sorry for upsetting me and how me ignoring him is upsetting and concerning. I didn't wake up until the afternoon today and I've been feeling terrible in my mind and body. I didn't get out of bed and bailed on something I really wanted to go to, so I only just flicked his messaged down to read it without it being marked as read. Seeing what he has said I've burst into tears and feel crippled with emotions.
The truth is I've been struggling quite a bit for a while now, all my capacity has been going into the basics and essentials of life. Most of my days I'm feeling crap in either my body or mind and things are really hard.
The pain of my dad feeling like this is too much and I feel so bad, we have had a conplecated relationship although i truly feel so much peace with things now and honestly love him dearly. I feel riddled with so much self-hate recently and this adds to it. I know I need to reply. I know the sooner I respond then the quicker I can sort this out for us both, and yet I haven't responded. Instead I'm typing this.
What's wrong with me. Why am I like this. What do i do when I'm not doing the things I know I should do.
Sorry for the big type out..
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