Lived Experience Forum

[Xibon]

Hey @D1ng0 

I don't know if this can help, and your experience is of course unique to you. But I have certainly experienced thinking that people are judging me or dislike me after socializing.

A lot of it for me personally came down to my own self worth; "how could people possibly have liked being around me just now when I don't even like myself?"

I knew, when I challenged that thought, that it was silly. But it didn't stop the feelings of anxiety and need for validation.

I wish I had a clear answer for how it stopped. But for me I suppose it was a long process of realising my own self worth, and not worrying whether those I like spending time with liked me also. If they didn't like me for being my authentic self, there was nothing I could do to change that which I would be comfortable with.

I know that none of this really makes sense, and that it probably isn't helpful. But I am here with and for you. Going through the post-social anxiety and self doubt you are experiencing is very emotionally taxing.

I hope you're able to be kind to yourself when you feel this way, and know you are worthy and loved 💛

[D1ng0]

Hey @chibam, thank you for the support. When it comes to my two closest friends, I definitely do love being around them when I'm capable of that, and having those friendships really matters to me. The connection itself feels good, but it's as though my brain takes good things and twists them, so I'm never confident that I haven't upset people in retrospect, and that makes me paranoid. I really do obsess over it, and in the end I feel safer when I'm on my own, because isolation means nobody can hate me for doing/saying something wrong. If I'm completely isolated, I don't have to deal with the thoughts about being hated or rejected. Those thoughts occur even when a friend has laughed with me, chatted with me, and hugged me during hanging-out. It's like some part of my mind is disconnected from reality.

To be honest, I'm wondering if I need to dig into my OCD tendencies, and whether that's impacting me more than I've realised. Because I can usually resist my more blatant OCD impulses (blinking, tapping, breathing movements), I disregarded the possibility that it could be affecting me in other ways. My sibling has OCD as well, although they've been diagnosed and I haven't. With trauma, social anxiety, depression, et cetera in the mix, it's getting harder and harder to figure out what's causing what, on my own at least... So I think I need to bring this up with a psychologist.

[D1ng0]

Hey @Xibon, thank you for the support and for sharing your experiences. I'm really glad you've been able to tackle having a low self-worth, I experienced that a long time ago and it's such an upsetting way of thinking. It is really helpful to hear about your experiences because (solidarity aside, which I also do appreciate) it's interesting to pinpoint that I actually don't have low self-esteem or self-worth. That question on the K10 is always a zero for me. It's more like I'm intensely afraid of people, and socialising feels very dangerous. After I socialise, it's as though my brain goes into over-protect mode, wanting me to apologise to my friends just in case I upset them, to save me from being emotionally harmed by a friend hating/rejecting me. My instinct is to keep myself safe, because I do care about myself. I dunno if that explanation makes sense, but that's kinda how it feels. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Thank you for the kind words 😊 I really do value this community space.

[Max33]

@D1ng0 @ from Max33

You have chronic pain and fatigue which affect your thinking and mental health. Socialising is difficult when you are unwell. It's a complicated activity. Think well about yourself after socialising because you tried and got through it. I am in the same boat and now I would only socialise when I felt well. If you feel unwell or anxious then you can leave and enjoy your walk home or enjoy some quiet time when you get home. I like to walk to a park close by and sit and watch the birds and the trees. I have conversations with neighbour's dogs that bark hello behind their fence. The dogs are lonely too..

[tyme]

Hey @Max33 , I'm glad you have found things that work for you when you are well enough.

I hope things improve for you.

Hey @D1ng0 🙂

[Max33]

@tyme from Max33

Thanks. 🦜

[tyme]

Love the bird emoji @Max33 . Looks like you have a strong connection to nature 🙂

[Max33]

@tyme from Max33

I love dogs and birds thr most. Also trees are pretty cool. Just sitting in the  park with my dog was the best thing in the world. I have no company much now. Nature is awesome and we need to appreciate it and preserve it. 🐕🪻🌱🌸🌳🦋🐌🐢🦆🦜

[tyme]

So true @Max33 ,

I walked past a community oval today, and saw it littered with rubbish... I really felt it today. I broke my heart so I went out to collect as much rubbish as I could.