Our stories
I am really sorry to hear how bad it spiralled out of control. You probably made the right call given all you explained, but its sad that it happened.
I have had similar experiences where I had to decide I could not reduce any more and level back up again. Keeping stable is important. Glad C was supportive and involved.
You are so rarely in such a low..Please dont apologise.
I had a weird thing yesterday where I made a mistake with meds and I did not sleep at all last night, as I did not want to take 2 lots of night meds in one 24 hour cycle. Hope we both get a good night tonight. Gently Bently.
@Former-Member Thanks for noticing that issue. It may not be over. The person I spent today with has a close friendship with the person ... who I will nickname the river pebble bigot. It is probably going to come up again, but I honestly cannot take such an email personally, as it was filled with hate and had little to do with me. I am sorry for him, but wonder if I am finally getting better at internal boundaries ... ie like an interior castle. I will not let him in my heart.
Today I had a pleasant time doing music with another person which felt new and interesting, and then we did a dirty messy favour for another one of his friends. I am used to be stretched accomodating others' relationships, but only so far ....Job almost done.
Finished with 2 ice creams. My shout. Yum.
Hey @bipolarbunny @Shaz51 @frog
Hey @bipolarbunny thanks for your offer of spending time if needed tonight. Touches me that you offered, though I doubt I will need that tonight. Today has brought recovery via physio massage and later my mindfulness group session tonight, so wonderful and inspiring. I feel like I've been beaten up and still have a moderately painful headache. But what a difference a day can make. Emotions steady again. Hugs, my friend. How are you today?
Hi @Appleblossom thanks for seeing that I am not usually as I was yesterday. I have been getting acute days more frequently over past couple of years, semi-regularly, but almost always to do with severe pain and illness physically, flare ups of things.
I too love your inner castle, a strong one for you to be able to depersonalise such a nasty encounter to a large extent. Aside from meds-induced nightmares like yesterday, overall I feel my inner world growing stronger as well. Lovely to hear you enjoyed music with a new person today.
Hi @Former-Member sounds good with your decision about halving the meds, that mouth side effect seems a tough one to put up with. I too experience significantly increased sleep problems with antidepressants. I'm really trying to keep them at a minimum. At one stage I was on a lot of meds for mental and physical illnesses. Over several years I've pared it back to mainly two psych every day and others prn for pain when really needed.
Thanks so much for the support everyone even if I've not had time to write to each of you here, so many kind words. @eth @HenryX @StuF @frog
Dear @Mazarita
I am glad things improved. When I used to do primal in the early 1980s, my head would pound from all the crying and my eyes and face would be a mess for a over a day. I did lots meditation and study etc and moved on, then later after the deaths went through many years of crying when I just could not turn off the flow. I do know their are healing aspects to having those feelings. Somehow I believe they stopped my going into psychotic or deluded territories and develop a personlity disorder with all the reduction in affect. Feelings, anger, frustration, grief are hard part also part of a sensitive soul. Anyway thats my take on it all, so now nearly 40 years after I started therapy I dont give myself a hard time about tears. Tears come when they come, and often for me once on, it takes at least a week to regain composure, but it stops me from going into hard hearted hating territory. Embrace that side of you, because it is what rounds you out as a beautiful human.
Maz, I have seen you give so much over the years to many people on this forum, which probably includes many who benefitted from your responses, and moved on in their lives, from the forum for whatever reason. It is important that we are whole, which includes the hard times and the struggle. You are an asset to the community and I am glad you returned, though not for the sturggles that meant you felt the need ....??? It is part of the authrnticity and thus the effectiveness of our community here. IMO. If we did not have the hard times, the empathy would tend to be empty.
I am glad you have pared down your meds to what is absolutely necessary. Maybe after your mother's visit, and with life imporving with NDIS supports you may be able to revisit changing that problematic med later in the year ??? ... all with proper med supervision and as you need.
@frog Its great having you around too.
I have wondered if I should come off my AD at end of this year and just be on mood stabiliser, was not sure if that was a thing or not ... but maybe it is a good way to go for me personally. Are there any other supports you can find to help manage depressive symptoms in non pharma manner?? ... rather than going back on them if it has been for a while ...
I do believe with meds ... less is more ... with focus on psychological, creative, social or occuptional therapies etc ...meds last resort.
I accept guidelines about naming specific meds and think it is a good boundary, but it is important for us in the community to be able to have some honest substantial discussion around the meds rather pretending clinicians know more than they actually do. There is a huge body of evidence for the knowledge base of those with lived experience and I hope in the futre there will be more data about it ... Those with limited scientific literacy may place undue emphasis on limited data and studies. I am so fortunate that I have learned and shared scientific discussion in a good academy and with a range of scientific people in different disciplines over 45 years, but it is not the only form of knowledge and we need to be careful using people as guinea pigs.
@Former-Member
and all who feel the urge to respond ...
Hi @bipolarbunny how lovely that my improvement yesterday gave you a happy note at the end of the evening. I appreciate your good heart, my friend. 
Oh yes, the opening out of support possibilities with NDIS is amazing, wonderful, truly marvelous. But the very high level of bureaucracy is a massive downside. I have witnessed the mental health of other applicants seriously going downhill in the application process. It put me off applying for it for a number of years. Glad I've got it now though! May the review lead to all good things for you.
Hi @Appleblossom I too did one or two sessions decades ago on a kind of primal therapy. It wasn't a bad experience, a bit cathartic, may have been somewhat helpful. Maybe the most beneficial thing was engaging with the therapist herself, who was lovely and healing just to be with. I have come to feel that the person behind the therapist hat, and my chemistry with them, can make such a huge difference to whether any kind of therapy system is helpful to me or not.
The day of crying I had on Tuesday was not about deep emotions, just on and off wailing from the high intensity of the mental/emotional turbulence provoked by the new med, coupled with the severe physical pain I was in.
But I did have an unexpected and big emotional release about something in the mindfulness therapy group last night. I agree about moving towards acceptance of emotions, as you said, and that was a theme of last night's session. I also agree that peer discussion of meds is a good thing, while understanding why naming specific medications is against SANE rules.
Was planning to go to a poetry event tonight and read a poem for the second time, but have cancelled support because my headache went from moderate to severe again overnight. Haven't been able to eat yet today because of nausea. Some down time will be helpful in settling things.
Good vibes to all here.
